If you’ve been following me lately, you know that I’ve been having a rough time. It hasn’t been easy for me and I’m not proud of how I’ve been feeling, but I am (at least) finally starting to own how I’ve been feeling.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. I have always had trouble with transitions. I have always deeply, deeply felt things.
And, until recently, I have always known what I want to do with my life.
Now, I don’t. I’m at a crossroads that has left me with a lot of confusion, more anxiety than I have ever felt in my entire life (at least, I think so), and a whole lot of tears and isolation and loneliness (which is what I tend to do when I’m being emotional because I don’t want other people to have to deal with it).
Anyways, I took a trip home – back to where I’ve been living the past 7 years and the rest of my years before that with the exception of college – this weekend. I left where I am on Saturday morning and came back on Tuesday (working a part time job made the longer stay really nice and easy to do).
It was both good and bad. Because, here’s the thing.
Right now (and I’ve mentioned this before), I don’t have a home. I’m staying with friends, I stayed with my dad while I was at home, a good majority of my belongings are taking up space in a storage unit, and I’ll be moving in with a friend’s parents for the next month. And I didn’t think this would bother me – I really didn’t. But it has. I think I need a space that is mine. A home that is mine. (Not even a home really, just a space that is mine permanently or for the next year or whatever the lease I sign may be). And realizing that – over and over and over again – was (and continues to be) hard.
It was good to see my friend and to be able to be there for her during her shower and to be able to see my brother and celebrate his birthday and – of course – to be able to spend time with my dad. It made me not want to come back to where I am.
But I am back. And I am thinking more and more that I really do want to move back home again. Find a way to spend time with my friends in town, with my family that is still in town, with myself in a place that I’m not worried about invading or ruining someone else’s space.
Coming back was tough. But I’m here. And once I have my dates for August, I plan to make arrangements for a few fun trips and to really continue to spend time trying to make myself happy and complete things that I wanted to complete this summer.
So we’ll see how it goes. It will be okay because it has to be. And I will be okay. Because I am strong enough to realize that right now, things are hard (and they have been for a while), but I can find a way to make things better – and I will.
A bit of a long, rambling post – but if you read this far, thanks! How is everyone doing? What is your idea of a home? Do you have one that you are happy with? Do you stay with friends and family well?