Fear of failure is a real thing.  It is a thing that I have feared for a very long time.  I have been doing better with it, but recently it has reared its ugly head again.

See, I told you about a story from work – the story about the woman that told me that basically told me the only potential I had left was to get married and have babies – lots of babies.

This has gotten under my skin.

Because failure is a real thing that can really send you off course.

So far, I have failed at getting a job as a teacher.  I don’t doubt that I will teach in some capacity again sometime soon.  But I don’t know if a traditional teaching job, which I have been chasing for 7 years, is the right thing for me any more.

And that is a failure.

I moved to Rochester for the summer.  (I am still here).  I have taken on a part time job and I have had side projects that I wanted to work on.  It has not been what I would call a success.

For the first two weeks, I struggled mightily with the job that I took on and with my anxiety.  I struggled with horrible eating habits (mainly, not eating).  I did not begin or work on any of my side projects.

Now, I have gotten a bit more comfortable at work.  My anxiety is no longer causing me to not eat.  And I have more ambition to start working on my side projects and other things that I want to make happen this summer.

And, at the end of the summer (or maybe the end of September – I don’t know yet for sure [which is really horrible for me]), I will move back home.

Another failure.

But, the truth is, these aren’t failures.  I am learning how to deal with myself.  I am learning what works for me.  I am learning how to do the things that are important to me and make time for those things.

And, even though I will be moving back home and getting a job (any job that will pay the bills and maybe will even help to nurture some of my other passions), it is not necessarily failure.  It is just something I needed to do.  And I think that I will be more comfortable doing other things and being creative if I am in a familiar environment.

At least that is my hope.

All that to say: sometimes, better late than never.  (And I have always been a bit of a late bloomer).

So, back in May I told you about an email list I was starting about finding joy in daily life.  I am renewing this.  The first email will be going out next week.  Sign up by going here and don’t miss out on this great journey!

Thanks for listening to me ramble!

And PS: Happy birthday to two of my best friends in the entire world!  Welcome to the almost-30 club (it’s not so bad)!


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