Finding Your Hum

It’s 11:49 PM (yes, I know, I should probably be asleep right now…my only saving grace is that I only have an afternoon job for tomorrow, so I can maybe sleep in if I want to) and I am in tears after watching this TED talk.  (Go watch it, but realize that is VERY powerful)

As I was watching this, I realized that my hum is gone, too.  In all honesty, it probably has been gone for a while.  And a lot of my decisions have come from this.

My hesitation for all things (finding a job, reaching out to friends, picking up and moving, leaving my “dream” job) comes from my lack of a hum.

My anxiety, depression, bad habits all come from my lack of a hum.

My paralysis comes from my lack of a hum.

All this meaning (in case you didn’t watch the TED talk), that I have lost sight of the joy in my life.  I have lost sight of the reason that I do what I do and the drive that leads me to do the things that I do.  I have lost sight of who I am and the things that are good for me.  I have lost sight of the importance of looking on the bright side.

I’d like to share three small anecdotes.

My senior year, I was voted class optimist for our senior notables.  And I was optimistic – and at the the heart of who I am, I still believe that I am optimistic.  But it’s gotten lost in the noise and bustle and failure that I’ve felt recently.  And that’s hard.  Because now, I feel more like the second part of this anecdote.

This is the part where a couple of years ago, I was at one of those painting classes where they instruct you and you have fun with your friends and you leave with a painting that you can’t believe that you created.  We were painting flowers and my background became a little bit darker than some of the others and one of the other people there (it was a private party and I knew the majority of the people there) said something along the lines of how depressed I must be based on how dark my painting was.

I laughed it off, but I internalized it.  And maybe I was, maybe I am.  Maybe it’s just been hard and I didn’t get the concept right and I am fine.

My second anecdote is about my dream job slipping away.  I interviewed for my dream job.  I was excited and I really thought that the interview had gone okay and I thought I had a good chance.  I didn’t get the job.  It still bothers me to stay that and it still upsets me to say that because losing a job that you think is your dream is hard.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone that had some control over that decision.  That person told me about how upset they were that a different job hadn’t been offered to me.  And it confused me and upset me.  If I wasn’t the right person/fit for the job that I didn’t get, I couldn’t understand why the other job was right for me.

(I know this is vague.  But it’s still very fresh to talk about and hard to talk about and upsetting to talk about.  Suffice it to say, it still stings and this dream job has lost many of it’s dreaminess – for this reason and other reasons).

My last anecdote is about another recent encounter.

I wanted to attend a webinar.  The timing didn’t work out very well and I only caught bits and pieces of it live.  When I got home, I should have watched the replay as it was sitting in my inbox and waiting for me and I knew that it would have some great information for me and it would help me with things that I wanted to accomplish.

Instead of watching that webinar, I looked up information on a smartwatch that I wanted to possibly purchase.  Looking up information for that smartwatch led to me looking at YouTube videos about other smartwatches, which led to me watching a video that talked about the 5 best smartwatches for 2016 (or something like that).  The first two weren’t that great, but the last three grabbed my attention and I started watching videos on those.  From there, I looked them up further and decided that I wanted them.  From those websites/IndieGoGo/Kickstarters, I found two more products that I loved and watched videos for and looked into.

TLDR; I fell down a video watching rabbit hole and wasted two hours watching videos for products that aren’t available yet/I can’t afford to buy.

So, finally, I watched that webinar.  It was a webinar on list building – a webinar I would like to talk about, a webinar that I think will be very helpful, a webinar that I will act on.

Then, I watched the TED talk above.

And, now, I am ready to find my hum again.

It’s 12:07 AM.  My tears are just about dry.  And, now, I have a blog post ready to send out.

This one is real, guys.  It’s raw.  It’s honest.  It’s more open than I’ve been in a while.  And maybe it’s too open.

But I am going to say yes.  I am going to hit post.  I am going to send this out into the world.  And I really would appreciate hearing about what brings you joy and how you found it and what you’re doing to keep it.

Please, share this post with anyone that you think will benefit from it.  Share it with your friend that’s having a hard time.  Share it with your work colleague that needs to know they aren’t alone.  Share with your mom and tell her that she helps make your hum brighter.  Share it with someone.

What makes you hum?  How do you find your joy?  How do you remember to look on the bright side of things?