Sleepless Nights

I’ve been having trouble sleeping.

Before, I go further, I want to say a couple of things.  I have on occasion joked about the fact that I have intermittent insomnia (a self diagnosis where for a few nights at a time, randomly, I won’t be able to sleep well – I’ll be up until all hours and I just won’t sleep).  I don’t say this in jest to anyone that actually has insomnia.  It is a way for me to name what is controlling me and try to take that control away.  It may or may not be true.

That being said.  I’m going through a patch.

But this time, it’s different.

I am writing this at 11:20 PM – on a school night.  This is unusual because most school nights, I am asleep by 10 PM at the latest (Monday nights are usually an exception as I have a TV/catch up night with a friend that goes until 10).  But still being awake and functioning and not seeing the end of the night any time soon at 11:20 is not normal for me.  It’s not something I enjoy.

Because what will happen from here is this.  I will be tired all week.  I may or may not continue to think that I need to stay awake and be unable to fall asleep at night.  But I will be tired all week long.  I will be tired while I’m at school subbing and while I am home teaching.  I will be tired when I get home and try to get things done.  I will be tired while I am doing anything and everything.

Then, the weekend will come.  The weekend will come and the time that I have to do things for me – pack (as I will be moving soon – even if I don’t know where or what it will entail), look into work options, use my time for creativity – will be filled with naps.  I will be so tired and have no set schedule of something I need to get done and so I will nap.

And the cycle will continue to repeat itself.

And I hate it.

I don’t know why I’m not sleeping.

I don’t know why I’m having the issues that I am.

I don’t know what I should be doing with my time that I’m awake – but I usually don’t end up doing anything productive.  And, ultimately, I am not getting the sleep that my body needs and that is detrimental to me and my health.

For instance, right now, I could be folding laundry or working on my story (that I have not written anything for at all this April) or researching jobs and coming up with ideas that will help me begin a freelance career that will allow me to travel like I want to.

Either way, I need to figure this out.  And if it means scheduling my life down to the minute for a while, I will.  That way, I can just fill in the gaps (because I will leave some gaps so that I am able to do what I want in those gaps).

I need to sleep.  I need to figure it out.  I need to be better about taking care of myself.

Do you ever have trouble sleeping?  Do you have any suggestions for me?  What do you do when you can’t sleep?


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