Hard Holidays

The holidays are a time to rejoice and celebrate so much.  But, sometimes, the holidays are just hard.

There is so much that I’m looking forward to (and have already been able to do) this holiday season.

The best thing about the holidays to me is that families (mine especially) set aside time to actually spend time with each other.  It’s great and I really enjoy it.  I have gotten closer to a lot of my family as I have grown up and we have grown out of the pains and awkwardness of being children.  I think, this Christmas, I am most looking forward to having my sister in town for a few days.  I hate that I don’t get to see her as much and I can’t wait to spend a few days with her and her wife.

I also love visiting friends.  Because the holidays are time of break for many of my friends (as some of my best friends are teachers), I love going to visit them during this time.  It is a time when work really can be set aside for a few days without too much worry.  I was just in Rochester for a weekend that flew by, so I’m looking forward to going back and spending some time with some of my best friends from college.  I’m also looking forward to seeing one of my bests that is going to be back in New York and with me for the first time in a while.  Over Thanksgiving, one of my closest and dearest friends was home and we had lunch together and it was the most wonderful thing ever.

Despite all of this, my life is filled with uncertainty.  And because of that, I have been having a hard time getting into the holiday spirits.

I do not have a full time job, so although I have money saved from my long term of subbing – I do not want to spend it on gifts that I really shouldn’t be able to afford because there may come a time when I really need that money.  So, I’m thinking for my family, I am going to do something different this year (although, with Christmas being only 6 days away, I’m not exactly sure what it is and I might fall back onto gift cards and/or money).

Speaking of that, it’s hard to have gone from a long term sub position that was my own classroom to subbing again.  And that makes it hard to get into the holiday spirit as well.

In addition to money, my family has a hard time talking about what they want.  And I have a hunch it’s because we know that we can’t always get what we want because we don’t have a lot of discretionary money sitting around.  Oftentimes, as we have gotten older, if we want something – we purchase it for ourselves.  And that’s fine.  But that makes gift giving at holidays hard.  And I want to give presents that mean something and are good, not something that will be thrown out.

And then, there’s the loneliness that can creep in during the holidays.  I am very lucky to have friends that love me and family that surrounds me (they love me to, but sometimes with the family it’s hard to tell).  But when you’ve been searching for someone special and you don’t have that someone special (or you’re at an in-between phase that is scaring the crap out of you and frustrating you beyond belief), it’s hard to be alone.

So, I hate to be cliche, but the past few years it has been hard to get into the holiday spirit and it has been hard to want to buy presents and celebrate.

Because, sometimes, the holidays are just hard.

How have your holidays been?  Stay tuned for another post this weekend or next week about how I finally found the holiday spirit and the only New Years Resolution I am going to make for this upcoming year.  I hope everyone has a very happy holidays and a great new year celebration!

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