This week was rough for me.
It’s not that anything necessarily went wrong. But nothing went right either.
My classes weren’t that well behaved – and at the end of the year (which I am sure has something to do with it), they know how to behave and what is expected of them. And it was irritating and just made me so angry and frustrated.
My classes didn’t want to do what they were supposed to. And it wasn’t that what they had to do was hard.
My professional life for next year is completely up in the air. If I’m being completely honest, I want to write a novel and see if it will sell. But I don’t know that I’m that good of a writer. And I definitely can’t make a living off of it right away – if at all. And at one point this week, I heard a rumor (from a reliable person that is just looking out for me) that someone who interviewed for an English position that I also interviewed for was given a second interview. And I wasn’t.
If I’m being honest – again, yes – I’m not even sure if I am meant to be in the classroom anymore. I just don’t know what else I would do if I didn’t teach. This year has been hard. And it’s been for a variety of reasons. Apparently, the class that I have can be very frustrating – and it was helpful to hear that other teachers also had troubles with this class. My district (both the one that I am working at right now and the one that I went to school at) is going through extreme financial issues and that has been present throughout the entire year. Plus, there have been new state mandates that have had to be put into place this year. Mandates that have stressed everyone out and given everyone extra work in an already hurting environment.
Then, there is my personal life. I know that this is going to sound bad. But I am desperate to do some dating. To finally maybe find someone that I can spend some time with and share my stories with and grow with. Even if it doesn’t last for the long haul (although I definitely want it to last for the long haul). And I’ve been talking to someone. But it makes me nervous. And, unknowingly, he pushed a button of mine that just irritates me so much. Then, I got sick and then I got weary.
Lord knows that I have many issues that I need to work out before I can probably have a serious relationship. But I’d like to at least give it a shot.
And then there is the fact that I might still be hung up on a boy that I didn’t really have any closure (or much of anything but loads of potential) with. I’d still like to see if that could go anywhere and where it could go.
So, my life is completely up in the air. And I think my body rebelled on me. Because on Wednesday, I got sick. Nothing completely horrible, but it definitely knocked me down a little bit. I’m not sure what it was, but I am feeling better (still a little tired). I sometimes think that when I am stressed and need to relax my body will get sick so that I just sleep for a while. On Wednesday, I left school on time (I sometimes stay late) and I came home and slept for two hours. Then, I stayed in bed and watched TV for a couple hours. Then, I went back to bed – earlier than I have been lately and slept for a long while. Thursday morning, I wasn’t feeling great, but I went to the gym (I started back at my fitness boot camp and boy am I sore) and by the end of the day I was feeling better.
Right now, I am just focused on getting through the rest of the school year. It’s almost over and I am going to definitely be glad to have it finished with at this point. Then, I will have summer and next year and not knowing what is going to happen or go on from there.