A Tough Go

I’ve been having a tough go of things lately.

Which feels almost selfish to say. With the events that just occurred in Boston. And with the students I have that are suffering from an anxiety that I don’t understand and can’t comprehend – anxiety that takes them out of class and away from school for that sole reason.

But life moves on, even in the toughest of circumstances. Life doesn’t stop for anyone. And it hasn’t stopped for me. And just because hard things are happening around me does not make my feelings and how I am doing any less relevant to my life.

I’m not sure what’s been going on. I don’t know if it’s the situation I’m in at work – a situation that seems to compound the hard things that are heard about in the news. I don’t know if it’s an imbalance in me – an imbalance that (if I’m being totally honest) has been around for a long time, but I have been able to handle. I don’t know if it’s me wanting something different – for the first time ever.

In a way, I feel like I’m living my life backwards (which is another post for another day, maybe tomorrow). It’s an uncomplicated thing once I start talking about it and thinking about it, but something that I don’t know what to do about. And part of this is because of financial issues.

I guess it all boils down to one, simple, hard question. What do I want?

A few years ago, if you’d asked me what I wanted I would have told you that I wanted a teaching job. I wanted a job where I could nurture kids and teach them new things. Where I could guide them to do the best that they possibly could and help them expand their knowledge base and their love for learning. I’m not sure that I’ve been successful at that this past year, and that is extremely hard for me to swallow.

So, today, at this very moment, if I were to ask myself the same question, I would have a completely different answer.

I would say that I want unlimited funds to be able to travel the United States and Canada (possibly into Mexico). I would want to travel this part of the world (because I am homebody and I want to be in a semi-familiar place) and explore the great country that I am a part of. I want to get to know people and hear their stories and share mine. I want to listen to great music (preferably a lot of country, but throw in some other great voices as well and I would be completely happy). I want to write about it and hone those skills. I want to document it with pictures and words that will flow from my fingers in a way that seems totally incomprehensible, but just works.

I don’t think this is possible. I do not have unlimited funds. And I could try to accomplish this – traveling the country and shacking up with people that I know and love throughout this great place. But I don’t know if I have the guts for it.

So, if I think on a slightly smaller scale. I want to write. I want to be able to write and publish something great – even if it is just self published. I want to write something that takes people away and helps them realize some universal truth about the world. Something that people enjoy and want to pass along to their friends. Something that makes me proud and finally allows me to call myself a writer. I’ve screwed this one up a little bit. It is April 16th and I said that I was going to do Camp NaNoWriMo this month – and I haven’t. I began writing. And I got four pages of nothing too great. But the story is there. And I think that if I can nurture it, it will work. And this summer, I am definitely going to write. I am going to write at least 3 days a week. And I am going to create something spectacular. And that excites me.

The other thing that I really want right now is a relationship. And maybe part of the reason I’m not getting one is because I am horrible at small talk. I need someone to engage me. If you do, I will respond. And if you want to talk to me about something, I will listen and do my best to answer. Part of the problem here is that I fell hard for a boy back towards the beginning of the year. And things seemed like they were going to go really well. And then he dropped off the face of my planet. I didn’t hear from him or anything. And then, a few weeks ago, he popped back in. And I’ve been trying. But I think I need to come to terms with the fact that it isn’t going to happen and I need to move on. Maybe then, I will give myself another chance – a shot at finally, maybe, have a relationship that could grow into something more. (And if I’m being honest here, I need to realize that I really need to stop daydreaming and start making things happen).

I’ve been tired. And I’ve felt down and off and out of it. I’ve had a tough go of it. But I have dreams and things that I want to fulfill and a person that I want to become. And I can do that. One step (I wrote stop, which would be fitting if I were actually able to travel the country and step outside my comfort zone) at a time. I just need to make a plan and stick with it. Stay tuned for a possible plan, later this week. Because, since I’m not writing my story, I should at least continue blogging and figuring things out.

And I think on that note, I need to keep in mind that some posts are going to be long and rambling and winding (much like this one…and if you have read this far, I thank you and I applaud you because I’m sure it wasn’t easy reading); however, other posts aren’t going to be as long. My thoughts won’t be as jumbled or need as much space. That’s not to say that those thoughts aren’t just as important, just that they are already more thought through (if that makes sense) and don’t need as much space to go with them.

For now, I should go and get ready for bed because I have a lot to tackle in the morning and at school the rest of the week. And I still have a lot of thoughts in my head. Have a great night and a great Wednesday everyone.

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