Here are some of my initial thoughts on what happened. How it effects me (it doesn’t really, I guess) and how I feel about the whole thing.
It’s times like these that I have to write; I know no other way to try to make sense of my thoughts. So I will try – to figure out what this means (to me and in general) and to try to clear my mind at least a little bit because I am on the verge of wanting to give up.
I thought I was having a bad day today. It was just a crappy day and there wasn’t any reason for it. It was a Monday in the typical sense of the word when people groan about the fact that Monday is here again. One of those days where nothing has gone horribly wrong, but nothing has gone right at all either.
So, when school ended – with the sun shining and the temperatures creeping higher than they have been in a while – a true sign that spring might finally be here – despite these winter storms that continue to plague (yes, I used the word plague…it’s April, we should not be having winter any longer) the northern Midwest (if that’s even correct…to be honest, after I am sure that I am not going to be dealing with feet of snow, I ignore it a little bit) – I knew that I needed to go for a run. I needed to go for a run as part of my training for a half marathon. I needed to go running to prove that I was going to do something productive and good today. I needed to go running to clear my mind and get out the frustration of my day. And I did.
I went for a run in the sunshine. A shortish 4 mile jog that did help to clear my mind and help make me feel better. Until I checked my phone. And I had a text from my mom. About the Boston Marathon. And the explosions that had gone off near the finish line. And I was appalled. Sick. Crushed – again.
I have never trained for a full marathon. I am training for a half marathon and not expecting anything great out of myself.
But I know people that have trained for a marathon – that have dreamed of running Boston. That have trained and agonized and had setbacks and come back and fulfilled their dreams.
I know how hard it has been training for a half marathon – how much time it has taken and the things that I have chosen not to do so that I can train as strong as possible, to do as well as possible.
And to have something so seemingly senseless occur at this event that is about training and working hard and fulfilling a goal that people have been working towards for possible years is just horrible.
And it makes me sad. And it cluttered my clear mind right back up. And I’m sure that my mind will stay cluttered for a while now. Because the only thing that I have learned about myself today is that I do not understand people. And, on days like today, I feel like I may never understand people.
And I just feel tired. And sad. Because my day wasn’t even that bad.
And it’s hard because when I left school all I wanted was to have someone that would come home and hug me and hold me and just keep me company – not making me talk about my no good reason bad day. Now, all I want is for all the loved ones that are worried to have their special someone come home so that they can hold them and they can be with each other. Even if that does stab me with a pang of jealousy. Because, in the long run, that is more important.
I hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday and that you hug your loved ones tighter and pray for all people – everywhere – that have to deal with senseless violence such as this.