An Epiphany

I have figured something out.  Something that I think it is important to state and that some of you may have already figured out before I even had the chance.  So, here goes nothing.

I don’t know what I want.  And I don’t know if what I wanted is what I want anymore – or if it is even a viable option.

I’m sure you can start to guess what I’m talking about seeing as I’ve written about it quite a bit lately.  But it seems that everything is against me lately.

I was hoping for – and wishing for – a snow day.  The weather was questionable.  And we did get hit with a winter storm.  Unfortunately, the winter weather hit at all the wrong times.  It started just after school on Monday – late enough that we didn’t need to leave early, but early enough that there was no way we were going to get out of school the next day.  Then, we got into school and it started to get bad again.  Now, we may not have had a snow day had things gone exactly the way they did, but a delay would have been nice.

This want of a snow day is not unusual for teachers.  It is a part of our world – at least in the world where winter plays a big role.  And I live in that world.  But it’s the middle of March.  And spring is officially here (although it wasn’t when the storm officially hit).  And I’m over snow.  But not over missed days of school – even if I don’t get paid for them.

You see, this year, I got my first “official” full year of school under my belt – or at least I will have it under my belt when I am done with the year.  And it’s been hard.  I am teaching English – something I went to school for, but not to teach.  And while I’m glad that I got my English certification and I’m glad that I got this opportunity, I have had moments this year where it just seemed like I was never going to make it.

And Tuesday was one of those days.  You see, my sophomores were beginning a test – an essay test.  The type of essay that they had to write is one that they’ve written before.  They were allowed to use formats and we talked about it before they took the test.  It should have been an easy day.  I thought so – and I’m sure other people would also think so.

But it wasn’t.

It was a hard day.  A day where I question if I will ever be a good teacher.  A day where I think about what I should do besides teaching.  A day where I am scared to do anything because I’m afraid I’ll fail – like I feel I’m failing at the one thing that I thought I was meant to do.

Now the teaching world has changed from when I was a child and was inspired by my teachers.  Hell, the teaching world has changed from when I went to school to be a teacher – and I graduated from undergrad 4 years ago this May.

The kids are different.  The teachers are different.  The demands are different.

And it’s hard.

But I don’t shy away from hard.  I accept challenges and like to be told to go further than I want to.  But I’ve never had a time when my success depends so wholly on other people.  On the students in my classroom.  And there are so many outside factors that I cannot even think to begin to control that those students become a huge wildcard.

I have definitely learned many lessons this year – and I’m sure that in the coming months I will learn much more.

Until then, I have the rest of this week to get through.  I have next week to get through.  And then, at the end of next week – when Spring Break starts, I will be taking my 2nd Spring Break trip ever…and I’m excited about it.

More to come on that later.  Thanks for listening to me…just trying to process.

I promise something lighter because it’s not like I don’t have great moments as a teacher as well.  Sometimes, it’s just easier to believe the hard stuff.

~~~*~~~*~~~

Any advice for me?  Anyone (besides me and my friends) going through this same issue?  What do you know that other education majors have done after leaving education or deciding not to pursue it?  (Please keep in mind that I don’t know if this will happen or not)

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