I know that I have been a bit of a downer lately and that things have been rough for me. But I’m really glad that I’ve stuck it out and that I haven’t given up yet. Because I think that I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Or at least a light…even if it isn’t the light. I’ve questioned so much lately and been having such a hard time that I don’t know if this brief moment of feeling better is real or not.
Because up until this year, whenever I have been in the classroom, I have only wanted to be a teacher. It’s been hard at times. It’s tried my patience and it has made me a better person. A stronger person. But this year has been different – and not just because I began a job in a new content area. Right now, even on the tail end of a normal, good day if I had to choose one word to describe this year, it would be: hard.
For the first time, ever, while in the classroom I felt like I didn’t belong there. It didn’t happen often – rarely, really. But it still happened. And I know that this is something that can and will happen and that I can’t let that get me down.
Today, a teacher said something that I might have taken the wrong way. But since it’s a good thing, I will keep thinking of it as a good thing because it means a lot to me. This teacher told me about a job (remember how I don’t have a job for next year…again because this was only a one year long term sub position?) and said that I would be great for it.
She said I would be great. After working with students that I’ve worked with. After hearing me stress out. After hearing me get upset about things that aren’t things I should or need to get upset about.
She said I’d be great.
And that gives me so much confidence. Because if that teacher – a teacher that has been teaching long enough to know a good teacher and that was once my teacher – thinks I am great, I must be at least okay. Even good, maybe.
And that makes me very happy because maybe someday I can be a good teacher as well. Maybe I’m on my way.