It’s probably not “proper” for me to be writing this right now, when I should probably be sleeping – especially given the title of this blog post.
Because it describes everything perfectly.
I’m exhausted physically. I haven’t been getting enough sleep and it’s a time when I need more sleep than usual.
I’m exhausted mentally. I feel like I have no drive or motivation to get anything done – to search for a new job, to work on extracurricular activities that I love, to complete what has to get done for school, to be the person that I know I am and that I want to be and that I can be.
I’m exhausted professionally. I’m sure that any veteran teacher would balk at the fact that I’m saying this. But NYS is tough. And teaching is tough. And over the past four years I have been through the ringer. I have been tested and thrown around and tossed into situations that I have handled with the most ease that I possibly could given the circumstances. I continue to do what I need to, but it comes with a price.
I’m exhausted socially. I’m tired of constantly having to ask people to do things with me. I don’t have friends that want to do things that I want or support causes that I want to support. I’m tired of not having people to do things with. I’m trying to get better about doing things solo, but I’m not the type to strike up a conversation on my own and when I’m already exhausted I don’t have extra energy to put into that.
I’m exhausted emotionally. I feel like the past month or so has been a bit of an emotional toss up for me. I turned 26 – closer to 30 than 20. I have felt confusion and unstable and scared about so many things. I have rarely felt like I am sure of what is happening. And I never thought that at 26 this is where I would be in life.
I’m just exhausted and it’s hard to keep going when it doesn’t seem like there is an end in sight. And it’s hard to keep asking questions and getting beat down when you never know how long you’ll be up for. It just seems, at this point, that it would be easier to lay down, stay down and ride it out. I’m still fighting it out right now.
But I’m exhausted of fighting.