It’s hard to open up. And it’s hard to know how much to say after you have opened up. And it’s harder, still, to open up after you’ve done it once and not gotten the reaction or response that you wanted. When you were met with contempt or anger or regret. Or the worst: silence.
I’ve taught myself to be cautiously optimist. And outwardly realistic, sometimes even pessimistic. But the truth is, my expectations are still higher than most – for myself and for others. My dreams are still large and wandering somewhere in front of me. My heart still flutters and beats fast when I am dealing with the unexpected, the exhilarating, the mundane normality of a crush/lust/love/boy.
At 26, I’ve had my share of heartbreak – albeit not the most traditional kind. I find myself guarded, unsure, hesitant. I find that if anything is most true it is that I pull the plug on something before it has the chance to get started. And I know this about myself. And I want to change it. Because it is hard to be like this.
It’s hard to remember about boys that I have liked and never said anything or done anything. It’s hard to remember the boys that liked me and tried to do things and I brushed them off. It’s hard to remember the guys that I’ve reached out to and heard nothing. And it’s hard to remember the guys that I have reached out to and been rejected by. It’s hardest to remember the guys that I reached out to and got silence in returns. The sound of crickets as an answer.
And you know what else? It’s hard to have a good time with friends and want to hang out with them more and then not see each other for a really long time. And it’s hard to find new relationships (friendships and otherwise) when things are not what you think and thought they would be at this point in life.
I found myself complaining today – about the fact that I don’t get paid on snow days and for overtime and the amount of time that I work. And then I found myself saying that it was wrong to complain about it because I am very grateful to have this job and to be doing this. But it’s hard. And it should be.
I like a challenge. I like to know that I’ve worked to accomplish something. I like to know that life still has surprises for me. That life can still surprise me. In so many good ways.
And that’s why I blog here. Because hopefully I can still surprise people (readers that don’t know me personally, but know me from my writing). Friends that sometimes read this blog that thought they knew everything about me. People that stumble upon my writing for whatever reason. Because I do have things to say. It’s just hard: to know what words to say and how to say them and when to say them. And after you say them, to wait for whatever response will come.