Jenga Walls?

I have been working to tear down some major walls.  And already, in the almost month that I’ve been working, there has been a setback.  First of all, the walls are definitely still up.  They were never fully down, if I’m being honest with myself.  And I probably wasn’t being entirely honest with the other people involved, as long as we’re on an honesty streak.

So, those walls I was talking about?  I’ve been working on them for a pretty long time.  And they’re pretty high and they’re pretty thick and they’re pretty much impenetrable.  Except I gave you an opening.  Like a jenga opening.  The walls were still there and still high and still strong, but I let you take a glimpse.  You got to see a part of me that no one else has been able to see.  And it was great.  It was exhilarating.

You know that feeling when you’ve just made a great move in jenga?  That feeling that you pulled off the impossible?  That’s how it felt for a little while.  But now, my walls are a little bit higher and they are teetering on unstable ground.  And if they fall, which they might, I’ll build them up even higher and those once easy to move bottom blocks won’t be so easy to move.  And the whole structure will come tumbling down on you a lot quicker, keeping me safe from the hurt.

You see, I’ve been trying to be better about putting myself out there.  About opening up and trying new things.  About not being stereotypical and not being biased and giving people a chance.  But it’s been hard.  Others might not think it has, but it has.

I joined a dating site.  Nothing new there – I’ve done this before.  But I’ve actually found myself talking to people.  Having conversations that I never would.  Starting the beginnings of what could be a relationship.  Watching it possibly fizzle, but holding out hope.  Trying to find someone that I feel as much with.

So, when a friend asked me if I wanted to go speed dating with her, I hesitated.  I really liked the person I’d been talking to – that I hadn’t heard from in a while.  That’s when it hit me.  I can’t wait around for him.  He might be great, he might not.  But if he isn’t going to want to go out with me and if he isn’t going to want to talk to me, I’ll never know.  And going to this event could make me new friends and help me meet someone that I might actually hit it off with.

So I agreed to do it.

That’s right.  The girl that is teetering like a game of jenga about to go bad has agreed to go speed dating.  I mean, it seems as if there will be more than just speed dating, but I’m doing it.  I bought my ticket and I’m going to be looking for the perfect outfit and we’ll see how it goes.  I’m both excited and nervous and extremely apprehensive.  But, as I told a teacher friend, I’ll at least get a good story out of it.  And who knows, maybe I’ll get even more out of it.

Until then and until I find someone that isn’t just looking for another picture of me, I will keep my walls up and be a little more careful about which blocks I let people poke out from my foundation.  For now, I’d still rather be safe than sorry.

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