Tired Trials

This beginning of January has been a huge roller coaster for me.  And I am tired.  Right now, what I want most in the world is an established place to go that is mine.  Just mine.  Where I can decide if I want to hang out with someone or have someone over without worrying about other people.  Where I can decide if I want to sleep the day away or leave and not be around all day.  I want a place where I can watch what I want without worrying if it’s going to disturb other people and a place where I can get my work done and not worry about putting headphones on to listen to my music unless I want to (to be fair, I do sometimes enjoy using headphones because the sound quality is usually better than my laptop speakers).

I have had some really high highs this January.  But right now, I’m just tired of it.  In my impatience, I want my January to be exactly how I want it.  Because January is mine.  It is the new year (where the impatience comes in because I’m trying all these new things and want results immediately).  It is my birthday month (so clearly, it should agree with me, right?).  It is a cold, winter month.  And I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of second guessing myself and my choices.

I’m tired of my students not getting their work done.

I’m tired of grading papers and not knowing where to go from there.

I’m just tired.

And these complaints are stupid.  Not really because I really do feel that way.  But I’m also happy.

I’m happy that I’m taking steps outside my comfort zone (even if it is frustrating and seeming pointless at times).

I’m happy that I have a job that is paying me to do what I love (even if it does test my patience and sanity at times).

I’m happy that I have a family that loves me (even if they do pick on me relentlessly).

Honestly, I think it’s just the time of year when I am ready for a break (even if I just had one) and it doesn’t seem like it will ever come.

Honestly, it’s just that I am at a point in my life where I thought things would be different than they are.

And so, I think in trying to make all of these pieces fit together I am just tired and tried.

Thus the tired trials I am feeling lately.  It’s not all bad.  It’s really not bad at all.  I just feel tired.  What I really need to do is sleep and make a decision about a lot of things (one at a time though) and stick to them.


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