Creative Impulses

My week has been a huge roller coaster. The high point was Tuesday. I don’t know why, but I just felt so great on Tuesday. So great. Wednesday wasn’t as great. And it’s so hard to go from a great day (especially when there wasn’t anything extra special about it) to an okay day (when it was exactly the same as the day before).

While I was in my great day, I got some very creative impulses. I have a list of crafts that I want to create. I became optimistic about a future that I could help mold and create. I wanted to create everything – stories, photographs, crafts, my own rules for my own life.

And, now – so quickly, I feel as if it has been stomped out of me.

I’m tired. And I just want to sleep. I barely have the energy to figure out and post this particular post. And it makes me so mad.

Because I know why.

I’ve admitted it in my head. But I’m not ready to admit it out loud. Because I still want things to turn around. Because I don’t want to be this girl. This is not the best version of me. And I know I can be better.

So, I’m not telling you why.

And you may never know. (And looking back on this, I may forget exactly what it was that I was so upset about – I’m sure I will). Because I may never tell.

As I was leaving for choir practice, I was given a pulse of a creative thought. Just one. And it resulted in the following words:

It was one of those nights where happiness seemed just out of reach. Just one broken rule away. And the rules seemed to be there for a reason. The epic battle between head and heart.

And it continues a little bit. But not much.  And that’s the important stuff.  Especially the beginning.  I added the epic battle part as I repeated it, both in my head and aloud until I could put it into my phone and then (a little more permanently) onto the computer screen…and now my blog.

I’m proud of these words.  They make me smile a little bit.  They maybe give me away a little too easily.  Give a little more of a peek that I’d prefer.  But that is life.

This weekend is up in the air.  And I need to do something – anything.  There is something I want to do, but I don’t know if it will happen.  My head and heart are screaming at me just to do it if I want to.  But my heart adds in a barely there whisper to make sure I’m being careful.  And, unfortunately, that whisper might win out.

Sorry for the cryptic/depressed message.  That wasn’t what I intended this to be.  I don’t want to be this girl.

And every time that I write or think that, I then scream – then don’t be!  Be the girl you want to be!  But I’m not sure that I know how to be that girl.  And this is the girl I am.

But I’m done rambling for now.  Have a great weekend!  I hope I have something great to report – some great insight that I learn.


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