I’ve been on a new journey lately. It’s a journey that I haven’t shared with anyone. And it’s a journey that I’m still a bit apprehensive about. I haven’t shared for a few reasons. I am, naturally, a very private person. I tend to want to write my thoughts down and I don’t do well talking about my thoughts – which is one of the many reasons that I am here writing now – because I want to get down thoughts about the beginning of this journey, but I don’t want to mess it up by doing it somewhere more public (I mean, not many people read this little blog that I am writing). Another reason is that I don’t need anyone else to help with my conflicting emotions right now. I have enough conflicting emotions on my own.
So, I know I’m being cryptic. It’s because I am not sure how much I want to say or how much I may want to give away. It’s hard to figure it out. Because it’s nothing, but it’s something. And it’s making me smile and frustrating me and pulling me around in circles. (side note: I’m sure that it doesn’t help that I am reading “Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?” By Joyce Carol Oates right now with my seniors)
See, this journey that I’m on. I’m not good at it. I’ve tried it before. I’ve ruined it before. I’ve squashed it before it ever began before. And I’m trying to make this journey last at least a little bit longer. But I’m scared. I’m scared that it won’t work and the journey will end where it shouldn’t. I’m scared that the journey will not go the way I’m expecting. I’m scared that I’m placing too much onto this journey. And it’s hard.
But I am also sure that this journey is going to help me grow. It’s going to help me become a better person and it will, hopefully, help me become a happier person – not that I am unhappy, it just feels like I need something else. Not that this something else would complete me, per se, but more that it would help to complete the puzzle. It’s like when I finally get to see an old friend or catch up with an old friend and I vow that it will happen more because it makes me happier. That’s what I am hoping from this journey.
But the journey is just beginning – really, I feel as if I can hardly even say that it’s started yet at all. And yet, I have felt so many emotions already. I have already played out the journey’s end in many different ways. I have already written so many different things into this story that it will be odd to see how it actually works out. This journey is going to hopefully be surprising and enlightening and wonderful.
But so far, it’s been a roller coaster. One minute I’m smiling at the prospect of the journey and the next I am shaking my head and wondering if it is the right journey to be going down right now. One minute I’m excited about the journey and where it will take me and the next I’m terrified and wanting to back out and not take the journey at all. One minute I feel as if I completely understand where this journey should go and how it is working out right at this moment and the next I’m more flabbergasted than I have ever been in my life.
It will definitely be a journey worth remembering, this journey that I speak of. And I’m glad that I wrote this (even if it is a little cryptic and I might not even remember years down the road what it refers to) and put it on here. Because the journey is what it is all about. And that journey is beginning now.
[ps] As another little side note: I wrote this about something specific, but as I wrote it, I realized that it could apply to a lot of situations in my life and another situation that hasn’t begun at all, but will hopefully take place later on this year.
Have a great day everyone!