I am glimpsing at a year that I have not seen yet. I am glimpsing at a year that I want to be rich and full and fun. I am making plans in my head of what I want to come from 2013. I am sharing my plans here because not many people read this, but it keeps me accountable. And it is very important to be accountable for your plans and your actions and your dreams.
So, what do I want from 2013? It’s simple. I want to be able to live my life. For so long, I have felt crippled by something that has held me back. Something cruel and only able to be named halfway. Something that is not worth being held back by. Something that will not hold me back any longer – at least I will attempt to not let it hold me back any longer. I’m not sure exactly what that something is. Like I said, it can only be halfway named. It’s unknowable, but crushing. It’s crippling and acknowledging it doesn’t make it go away, it just makes it more aware – maybe even gives it more power. And taking its power away is not easy.
So, what are my resolutions for 2013? It’s easy while being oh-so-complicated and messy. Just like life. I want to make myself better without losing myself as can often happen in transition and change.
Resolution #1: Take care of myself. This is purposefully vague. Because I think at any given time this could mean many different things. It means doing yoga again to be fit and healthy. It means eating right and working out. It means eating junk and laying on the couch watching movies all day. It means taking a break if I need it. It means splurging on a plane ticket and mini vacation to see a friend if the whim hits me. It means thinking of and being aware of what I need and acting on it. It means all things in moderation. Even moderation (I think I read this on Pinterest sometime recently and I love it). This will not be easy. At all. But I would like to become more aware of what I want and just do it.
Resolution #2: Hone my creative craft. (This needs subcategories that haven’t been created, but look for a whole entry just on this because it is also vague, but long and detailed too – definite possibilities: 365 Project Take II, NaNoWriMo Take V). I love to write and take pictures and read and just generally cultivate my creativity. I want to write a book. A book that could be published. A book that could touch someone and make them happy to have read it. To make them connect with someone. But in order to do that, I need to write. Every single day. I need to not let go of this. I need to make sure not to stifle my creativity because I am feeling awful. Because I don’t have time. Because I am lazy. I want to write something that matters. To do that, I need to hone my creative craft. And I need to take care of myself. Because to write something that matters means to find a truth that others agree with and that is important enough to write about. And this is important to me. Really important. I want to capture a truth of life (in writing, in pictures, in movement) and put it out there for the world to eat up, to agree with, to believe in.
That’s it. Those two resolutions are the cornerstone for my 2013. Of course, there are smaller goals that fit into these bigger resolutions. There are a list of things that I’d like to accomplish – a list of wants and needs and urges. Here are some of those things.
Successfully complete my first full year of teaching. Smile at the mishaps. Challenge the successes. Reflect on everything.
Continue to find good country music to listen to and engage in. Make concerts and friendships at those concerts a priority – but don’t be afraid to do something alone just because I have no one else to go with me.
Don’t be afraid to do things alone. While I still can. While I am taking care of myself.
Do a monthly review. This is going to be two part I think – I want to write down great (and bad) things as they happen. Write them down and put them in a jar – a monthly jar and then a pared down yearly jar. So when I do my reviews, I have things to write about. Concrete things.
2013 is going to be a year of transition (although hasn’t that been my life for the past umpteen years, it seems). And more than anything, I want to stop waiting for something to happen to make my life work. I want to make it work. And I can, if I just put in the effort.
Another rambling post, I will work on not having so many of these, but it is hard right now. And I don’t want to waste the time to edit this. 2013 is going to be messy. But it’s going to be the best messy that it could ever be.
Join me in welcoming 2013! It’s going to be a great year!
[PS] I wrote this just after writing my year in review. I am scheduling it for 5:30 on New Year’s Day. I hope to be asleep, especially if I end up being out/staying up to ring in the new year. And this might happen a lot, writing a post and scheduling it for later. And I think that’s okay. I think that’s taking care of myself.