Not What I Expected

This post is not at all what I was expecting to write.  I was actually going to completely take the day off, but I’m feeling so bothered that I had to get words out on paper.

I’m feeling so unlike myself.  I’m feeling anxiety, but not knowing where it is coming from.  I’m feeling fear, but not knowing the first step to conquer it.  I’m feeling anger, but at things that I can’t control.  I’m feeling tired and upset and disappointed and worn down.

It started when I got to school and a teacher friend was very upset and clearly needed to vent and wasn’t entirely okay (but was).  She was upset about something that I have found myself to be upset about, for different reasons.  The big difference was that I was imposing my own anxieties on myself.  My family either did not know or tried to talk me down a little bit.  It’s different for her.

Then, I read a post about a dear friend missing Niagara.  And I realized that, still, I really miss Niagara.  I still want to go back.  And I still want to see my friends and be carefree like I was there.  I think that is the most carefree I have ever been.  And it might be the most carefree that I ever will be.  And I miss that part of me quite a bit.

Then, I read a post about a friend from Niagara.  And I felt guilt.  Because I am so happy for him.  He has finally finished all of the coursework that he needs to so that he can receive his degree.  And I couldn’t feel happier for him.  Which made me feel guilty.  Because I haven’t kept in touch with him like I should have.  And I haven’t been the friend that I have wanted to be to him.  And it upsets me and makes me sad and makes it hard for me to breathe a little bit.

And I had a kid in a class that I am not getting along with.  His personality doesn’t mesh well with mine and I am trying my hardest to not let that get in my way of teaching him, but I’m finding it so difficult.  Because every time that it gets under my skin, I perseverate about it and I won’t let it go.

Then, at choir practice, all of my “problems” were forced into perspective.  A friend’s father-in-law found out that his cancer has spread.  She just heard.  And a choir member has had unexpected surgery twice so far this week.  Right now, she seems like she is going to be okay.  But no one really knows and the problem was something that only happens 100 times in the US.

And I deflated.  And got more anxious.  And had major ADD.  And still don’t know how to react to all of this.

I know that I’m tired.  And I know that I’m emotional.  It’s almost as if I can’t feel anything because I feel so much.  Like it’s too overwhelming.

And now (even though this won’t post until tomorrow), I need to get some sleep.  Because there is one more day of school left in the week (today, as you’re reading this).  And then I have a weekend full of paper grading.  So that next weekend, I can relax.  And the week after that, I can enjoy time with family (and friends, hopefully…and maybe get ahead in my planning a little bit).

Have a happy Friday, all!  I hope this feeling doesn’t stay for long.


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