I’ve been finding myself entrenched among the big, green monster lately. And as much as I wish I were talking about Fenway park and that illusive patch of grass that must be crossed to gain that amazing home run (it is Fenway, right?!?) – I’m not.
I’m talking about the big, ugly, green monster of jealousy. That’s right – ugly.
I know that sometimes jealousy can work for people in a good way. I know that sometimes it can motivate people to make their lives better. And I know that sometimes it can make people work harder and strive to be the best version of themselves.
But that is not at all what is happening with me right now.
I’m just plan jealous.
In a nasty way.
In a bad way.
In an ugly way.
And there is really no reason for it. I have so much to be thankful for. I have so much going for me. I have the world at my fingertips, waiting for me to decide that it is a good idea to take hold and run away with it.
And the fact that I am having such a hard time grasping hold of it, is making me crazy. And it’s making me jealous.
It’s making me jealous of my brother and my sister. My brother who is married and my sister who is engaged and planning her wedding.
It is making me jealous of the people that have their lives figured out – or at least seem to have their lives figured out.
It is making me jealous of my friends that have babies (and I don’t even want a baby right now!).
It is making me jealous of the people that can take off whenever they want to.
It is making me jealous of people that are established and don’t have to put in their time.
It’s making me jealous of the people that have friends that are unfailingly there for them. All the time. Even when they don’t want to be.
It’s make me jealous of everything.
Like I said. Ugly. Nasty. Big and green. And confusing.
I can’t see myself anywhere else right now. But I want so many things to change. And I’m feeling so impatient that it won’t happen that I’m afraid I am going to screw everything up.
I know that this is raw. I know that there is so much that can be unraveled here and so much that is probably senseless here. But I have school tomorrow. And I am tired. And I want to watch a television show. And my NaNovel isn’t finished. And I just want to be happy again. And when you’re jealous – it’s hard. But I can’t help but feel this jealousy. And I have a feeling that it won’t go away anytime soon.
How do you deal with jealousy? Am I just having another quarter life crisis?