Black Hole

I’m finding it hard to keep myself – especially in my mind – from falling down the black hole that I feel like my life is sometimes.  And most of the time, it has to do with money.  Today is no different.

 While I have so much to be thankful for.  I’m struggling right now.  I’ve not saved nearly as much money as I thought I would at this point.  And these next few weeks are not as good pay-wise as my last few paychecks have been.  Which means I need to stop complaining and spending money and just buckle down and actually save.

 The problem is this: I have been saying that I need to get internet back since school started two months ago (well, really before that).  And, if I’m being truthful, I don’t NEED internet.  But I desperately want it back.  I say screw TV still, but internet I want back.  And I know that having internet will really make my life easier.

 The small problem with that is this: my mother owes the one company that gives reliable, unlimited, affordable internet in my area over $700 and in order for me to get internet at the house, I’m going to have to pay that.  And I don’t know if I am that willing to do it.  I’m going to decide by the end of the week and just make it happen.  I’m probably going to have to call.  And I’m going to make it very clear to them that I will not under any terms go back to them when I find someplace that I can get better internet from.  And that I think they are ridiculous.  But I think I’m probably just going to bite the bullet and do it.

 But that means I’m losing $700.  And my brother is home…which means I’m probably going to have to let my mother use my car more (but I’m going to be very blunt that she won’t be able to).  I just can’t shake the awful feeling about all of this.

 And I feel like I could fall into a panic attack at any moment.  I know that I have a lot going on right now.  But I am freaking out.  And I don’t know if I will be able to make it stop.

This was supposed to be posted yesterday.  But my internet is non-existent and so I could not post it.  I will maybe do another post later today if I have time.  I have my observation tomorrow and I’m really freaking out about it.  I’d rather not be observed, but I have to remember that I am a first year teacher and all teachers can and should be looking to improve – so I need to not worry about it.

I know these are inconsequential problems to most.  Really, first world problems.  But I am trying to remember that it is okay to be a little bit selfish sometimes.  To spend money on things that I want – things that will benefit me (and other people).  And that can be really hard.

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