I am afraid that I have become quite apathetic in things that should matter a great deal to me.
I am working at summer school right now. I am in charge of the English students, including students that are retaking the NYS English Regents in August because they did not pass it in June. I don’t feel as if there is much I can do for many of these students. The work is online and I do not have access to the course. I do not feel as if I am prepared enough – as I have just extended my certification to include HS English – to make sure that they pass the Regents. A part of me is extremely scared about this because I don’t want them to fail, which would (in my mind at least) mean that I have failed. I hate failing. But another part of me doesn’t care. I feel as if I haven’t gotten the guidance I needed or the help that was offered to me. So we will see what happens. There are only two weeks left. And then we will be done.
In the fall, I am starting my graduate work at a local university. I know I am apathetic about this. It is not fitting in with my schedule. I feel as if I should have just started it before this time, but had my reasons not to. And I’m worried that it will make it so that my real task next year is harder and more impossible than I want it to be. I was excited about starting my graduate work again, but now I’m feeling as if I don’t want anything to do with it.
Because, in the fall, I am also going to be taking on a full year long term substitute position. I will be teaching high school English for the first time ever. I have subbed in this area and been left plans and been able to execute them without a problem, so I am not worried about that. But I am worried about all of the extra stuff. I amworried about APPR and my kids improving. I am worried about not being as good as I would like to be. I’m worried about not knowing what I am talking about. But, those worries haven’t hit me too far yet. Because I can’t think about it because I ave so many other things on my plate right now.
So maybe I’m not apathetic. Maybe I’m shutting down as a defense mechanism to prevent me from overloading – which I know that I do. Maybe I’m just going to read the books that I need to read for next year until I get done with summer school. Maybe I’m going to try to enjoy myself while also getting ready for this monumental year that will either make me much stronger or possibly kill me.
I know one thing. This year is going to be big. And when I think about it, my heart gets pumping wildly and I get freaked out. And I think my apathy – or my shutting down, as it may be – is what is getting me to the point where I at least start the year.
Do you think I’m apathetic or do you think I’m using a coping mechanism? Do you have any advice for me? Any other new teachers out there that want to share in the journeys we are going to be experiencing this year?