Overwhelming Feelings

In the whirlwind of my life, I have been feeling as if I am coming around to a rough patch.  I know that I have a lot to be excited about.  I know that for the first time ever, I am going to have a year where I will be able to pay all my bills and even put away some money.  I know I’ll have somewhere to call my home for the next year – in regards to my teaching career.  And these are all great things.

But there is still this feeling of being lost.  Of not knowing where my life is going or how it’s going to turn out.  I am beginning to think of goals outside of my teaching career.  And I don’t really know how to achieve those goals.  It’s something I may have to put on a back burner – especially this year with all I have going on.

I think one thing that is bringing all of this to the surface is this long term sub position that I have gotten for next year.  Because I know that I want to move out.  I need to be on my own and to have things that are mine instead of things that I’m sharing. 

However, I’ve made the conscious decision to stay at home next year.  I am going to be teaching all year and I’m going to be going to grad school.  I’m going to be very busy.

Yet, I’m still looking forward to and still yearning for my own spot in the world.  I’m yearning for a place to call my own.  To not be living with my grown brother and my mother.  To join the world of dating without having to be responsible for making sure my younger brother gets where he needs to be.

I think this next year is going to bring a lot of growth for me.  I think it’s going to give me new experiences that I will love.  I think it’s going to lead me to places I never imagined I would go.  And I am in control of all of that.

And that’s a little bit overwhelming.  That’s all I’m saying.  It’s exciting and I look forward to it.  But it’s also overwhelming.


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