I have high expectations for myself. I have expectations for others. And others have high expectations of me. It’s always been that way. Always. For as long as I can seem to remember.
Part of it is my personality. I’m a worry-er. I perseverate over things. I like to be in control. I like to help people. So, I’ve always been a little more “grown up” than I need to be.
I don’t know what the other part is. The life I’ve led thus far. The challenges I’ve had to overcome. The people that I’ve surrounded myself with. The way I chose to spend my time.
But it gets so tiring. And recently, I’ve just been tired.
I’ve been tired of feeling disappointed in myself because I can’t find a full time job and I’m still living at home. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not living up to my own expectations or everyone else’s expectations. I’m tired of feeling like my life is going nowhere and it’s going there awfully fast. I’m tired of constantly feeling like when I do something for me, I shouldn’t because I should be doing something else (like going to a concert instead of paying to fix my car or put aside money to get my own place).
Some days, I wish I could just be a regular 20 year old. I wish I could have my own job and my own place (or at least a place with a roommate that I wasn’t related to). I wish I could have my time to myself. I wish that I didn’t feel the pressure to live up to everyone’s expectations.
I just wish that things were different.
And maybe that means I need to make some changes. But I don’t know what those changes are. And I don’t know how to make them yet. I guess we’ll see what happens and how it all goes. I don’t even know anymore. I can’t even think straight.
I’m just too tired to think about it right now.
Do you ever feel like your own expectations and the expectations of everyone else are weighing you down? How do you deal with it? Any suggestions or advice?