Relative Insecurities

This post’s title has a double meaning.  I mean relative as in relation to someone or something else, but I also mean it in the sense that the person who is bringing out this insecurity is my relative.  In fact, the person that is bringing out this insecurity is my twin brother.  I should now make a quick statement.  I had this insecurity before this and it rears its ugly head every now and again.  Also, my twin brother – although not my favorite family member at all times – does deserve this.

You see.  In August, my twin brother is getting married.  Married.  Sure, I’ve had friends who have gotten married.  One of my best friends is already married.  Another has a serious boyfriend that she will get married to – they have talked about marriage and they are living together.  They did break up for a period of time towards the end of college, but they are back together and seem to be going stronger than ever before (from an outsiders perspective).

My twin brother and I are as different as could be.  There are the obvious differences, I’m a girl and he’s a boy.  And there are the not-so-obvious differences.  We’re similar in a lot of ways too.  But I can’t help but measure myself against him sometimes.  I mean it’s only natural, right.  And I am really happy for him.  I am excited for his wedding and I adore his fiance.  (His wedding may have even been one of the things that really kicked my butt in gear to lose some weight!)

But I can’t help but think about myself now.  This particular event brings out a lot of insecurities in my 25 year old self.  Insecurities about my ability to love.   Insecurities about my ability to be loved.  Insecurities about ever finding someone.  Insecurities about relationships.  Insecurities about my family.  Insecurities about my life path.

(Yes, I overthink things sometimes.  And those are just some of the insecurities)

But, you see, the thing that it makes me most regretful about are my past decisions in love.  I have never been in a serious relationship.  It’s always been really hard for me to open up to someone.  And I crave that so often that I know I need to start getting on it.  Because I don’t think it will make me happy.  But I think it could make me happier.

And if you wanted me to give you reasons why I am not dating, I could go on and on forever.  Trust me, I really could.  And a lot of them are reasons that shouldn’t even be reasons.

But I have a good reason for being in a relationship too.  I want someone that I can share my thoughts with.  Someone that I can talk to about anything and laugh with.  I want someone that shares some of my interests (hockey and country music come to mind, the rest we can iron out :-D) and makes me think.  Someone that makes me laugh and can make a bad day seem a little better just by saying hello to me.

These might be fantastical thoughts and ideas.  But I think they’re true ideas too (and maybe one of the reasons I’m not dating…see, I don’t want these ideas completely shot down!).

So, once I figure out my life a little bit.  Once I figure out how I’m paying for grad school and how I’m making money in the fall (and if I will or won’t be able to move out of living with my mother), I am going to start dating.  I have to start somewhere.  Maybe I’ll try online.  Maybe I’ll ask a friend to set me up.  Maybe I’ll try and talk to someone that I wouldn’t normally.

I want to be happy.  And I’m not saying this will make me happy.  But I think it’s a big piece of my happiness and I need to experience it and make myself happy.

And, I don’t want my brother constantly outdoing me!

Do you have insecurities that are brought out by friends or family members?  What are they?  Do you think this is something that is a big deal with sibling rivalry or no?


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