It’s amazing to me how much of my life revolves around my job. I am not a very social person. I don’t make friends very easily and I have a hard time striking up conversation with random people – although, if you pull me into a conversation, I will gladly join it and lend something to it if I have something to give. But, because of my shyness, my life revolves around my job. While I was working, things were good. I talked with the people at work, I felt social…life was good. Now, though, life is not so good. I’m falling into my depression that I get (and it’s really only been like a week or two of inconsistent work) when I don’t have constant work and a purpose for my life. I’m hoping that all changes with November.
I am, as I have said before, participating in NaNoWriMo again this year. That means that in the month of November, I need to write a novel. Last year, I “won” – I mean that I completed the 50,000 word goal mark (without any problems at all), but I never actually finished my story. This year, I am hoping to actually finish an entire story.
The problem with this – I don’t really have a story. I have an extremely sketchy and vague outline of a story. I have one of my main characters almost completely planned out (but with no name) and I started planning the second of my main characters (but didn’t get very far), but that’s it. That’s all I have. I don’t have a working title. I don’t have two legs to stand on. I might have one. And the idea that I did so well last year.
The thought that I created what I thought was at least a halfway decent story last year. Even thought I didn’t finish it. If I could do it last year, and I didn’t know anything about it until well into October, I can do it this year.
Or maybe I’m just fooling myself. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I’m going to get stuck, since I started planning this summer and haven’t even gotten two main characters. I mean there are only going to be two main characters. There will be at least one or two prominent secondary characters and a whole slew of minor characters that will play parts in this novel.
I’m excited about it and scared out of my wits about it. I’m hoping that writing about it will help me want to plan for it tomorrow. I’m hoping, but I’m not making a guarantee to myself. Because I know that life has no guarantees.
Because my plan for today and tomorrow for my blog entries was going to be to do a little character sketch of each of my main characters – and maybe come up with names for them. My plan was to get into their minds and their likenesses so that I could start with a bang Monday morning. My plan has quickly fallen to the wayside.
So, here are my pros for doing NaNo this year: I am excited about it. I really want to finish and complete this story (even if it turns out to be crap). I completed the challenge last year (without completing my story). I can usually just type and come up with something to write, even if it doesn’t make any sense.
Here are my cons for NaNo this year: I have no real plot figured out – at all. I only have the roughest of sketches for my characters…and I mean really rough. I have no clue where the story is going to go, how I’m going to get there or what is going to happen along the way (but isn’t life that way too).
So, I continue writing in here today because in order to get to my required 50,000 word count in November, I need to write 1,667 words a day. I need to write more than double, triple, quadruple what I usually write in this blog. I don’t think it will be that hard. I think that once I get started, I will get lost in the world and I will want to continue writing. And sometimes the sheer will to want to win something and complete it can carry you through to the end – even if it doesn’t end up being your absolute best work.
I also hope to continue to write in this blog throughout NaNo. Some days, I might write a lot of stuff in here. Some days, I might not write anything in here at all. It will all depend on how my writing goes. How tired I am. How much time I have to devote to it. My main priority for November is my novel. And hopefully as it begins to form and take shape, I will not be overwhelmed and unable to finish.
In addition to noveling, I think that I am going to start doing yoga in November as well. I think it will be great for me to calm my mind and strengthen my body as I write my novel. And maybe if it’s any good, I’ll be able to do something with it.
The yoga thing is not completely coming out of left field. If you look in my favorites, at my exercise folder, I have some yoga in there. It’s been in there for months and I have never even looked at it, let alone tried to do it. I tried some this evening. It wasn’t pretty, but I’m hoping if I do it every day (or maybe every other day), it will get better and I will like it. The reason that I have picked up on yoga is because of a book I just finished reading called Balancing Acts.
I really liked this book. I thought it was great. It showed something that I hope to accomplish at some point. To connect with someone that was in my past at a deeper level and to find a friendship that I will be able to keep. A friendship that is close to me (in distance and emotion).
I think this is so important to me right now because I’ve been feeling incredibly estranged from my friends. I want to be close to my friends so badly, but they are all far away. I want a friend who would sacrifice the $35 that it would have cost them, and the time, to have gone to Hockey & Heels with me. And I know that I have friends that would, but they don’t live anywhere near me. And that is a problem. And it’s part of what is getting me down so much I think.
I need to find friends that are interested in what I am interested in and I need to find friends that will do things that I want to do, instead of me settling for the things that they want to do (I mean, I always have fun at them…but you have to do things that you like sometimes too).
I think that what is bugging me so badly is a text I got from a friend who said that she just didn’t have the $35 to spend. She said something along the lines of if you want to do something badly enough sometimes you just have to do it on your own or you’ll miss out. Which is exactly what I did with H&H, but I just think it would have been so much better if I had a friend to go with me. I was a little bit lonely and I just didn’t necessarily want to be there.
So, in recap of this entire journal entry, which has gone off on so many different tangents and is in no way coherent or connected at all: I do better when I have consistent work, a consistent challenge. I hope that NaNo will help me find that in November…even if I’m not subbing all the time. I also hope that yoga helps me to relax and increase my flexibility and strength throughout November. The reason I thought of yoga is because I tried it tonight (and stopped because of how horrible I was). The reason I tried it was because I just finished a book where yoga was pretty central, but even more central were the relationships that occurred in it (the relationships of four women, which make me think of the FabFour – now that I think about it). And thinking about that book made me think about how I need better relationships with people who are closer to me in distance. I need people who will sacrifice some of their things for me – because even though I have a good time doing what other people want to do, they should sometimes do what I want to do…like attend hockey events.
That was a long synopsis for a long entry that was completely full of tangents and windiness. And I almost reached the daily word count that I am going to have to reach.
So, I am again strengthened in my resolution to do NaNo, even though I did no planning at all tonight. Tomorrow is October 31st, the last day for me to plan, figure out, and relish in my NaNo-free existence. Tomorrow, I do some hardcore planning and figuring out. Hopefully, it goes well. Monday, I begin writing.
Have you ever heard of NaNoWriMo? If not go to http://www.nanowrimo.org and read up on it. If you choose to join, let me know. Do you ever go off on a million different tangents and wonder if/how they are all connected? Have you been feeling any of the feelings I have been feeling lately? Do you let too much of yourself get lost in your job – so much so that you get depressed when it isn’t what you want/hope for it to be? What are you friendships like and how do you strengthen them? Have you ever connected with a total stranger in a random place and just hit it off and become best friends instantly?