Pain

I am reverting back to my quotes, although I have actually been thinking about this particular situation for a while.  And I know it’s going to take me a long time to get over it.  And I know I’ve already written about it.  But I’ve got to write about what I’m feeling today.

The quote for today at holliesquotes.com is:

It doesn’t matter why your heart get’s broken; it still hurts. Pain is pain.
-7th Heaven

As a quick sidenote: I loved 7th Heaven when it was on.  On to the reason why this quote is speaking to me.  My heart has been broken.  It has ached and yearned for things that aren’t good for it.  But it’s also been denied things that it has had and that were very important to it.  My heart has never been truly broken by a guy – it’s been bruised and battered and confused, but it’s never been broken.  I haven’t gotten close enough to a guy to really allow them to break my heart.  My friends are a different story.

I have had a number of friends who have come close to breaking my heart and two that have totally succeeded.  The one I don’t think about much anymore, it was a long time ago and I’m a completely different person.  The girl was a poison and when I knew her she was not a completely honest person.  And after wrestling with it for a while and getting my heart to heal, I have let it go.  She and I will never be friends again.  I have no contact with her at all.

The other friend that has very successfully broken my heart happened more recently.  Although it has been 2 1/2 years (close to 3) since everything happened.  It amazes me that it still feels like yesterday that everything happened.  That wound has festered and reopened and been re-examined so many times.  I don’t know if it will ever heal.  I think that a part of me will always want to be friends with her again, but another part of me knows that even if I were friends with her, it wouldn’t work out.

We tried to reconcile.  I tried to talk to her after she finally reached out to me and tried to make things right (although it might have been too little too late).  But I feel like I’m always initiating conversation and if she wants to be in my life, she needs to make the effort and she needs to make it work out.

Until then, my heart will probably stay broken.  I will continue to look at pictures of her and my other two best friends (the four of us used to be super close and a great group together) of when we were the FabFour and I will wish that we had that back.  But I know that it can’t be anymore.

Part of me still weeps and cries about it.  Part of me wants to yell and scream at her and try to make her see that she did all of this and that it wasn’t my fault at all.  Part of me wants to throw things at her and done things differently.  Forced her to make more of a decision about being friends with me when we were falling apart so I didn’t have this lingering doubt.  Part of me wishes I had not avoided her so much as things were being wrecked.  I don’t know if it would have made a difference (now or then).  Maybe I wouldn’t feel like there was still something to rekindle if I had tried harder then.  Maybe I wouldn’t feel that way.

But part of me knows that it isn’t all her fault.  I didn’t fight hard enough for our friendship and I miss it.  There isn’t too much else to say.

Has a friend ever broken your heart?  Do you think it’s more painful or less painful than a boy breaking your heart?

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