Doubts, Doubts, Doubts

Having doubts is normal.  Being scared is normal.  Letting those doubts and fears ruin your confidence and chances is not normal.  You should not let it happen.  Ever.  Do not let your doubts and fears run your life.

I have many, many doubts about the beginning of this school year.  I am worried about a lot of things.  I am scared that things won’t work out and I am terrified that I will make a fool of myself.  And if I do that, where do I go from there?  I am completely convinced that this will not go well and I will not be able to make it.

Why wouldn’t I make it?  Because I hate the politics of school and classrooms.  As a child, I never saw the politics of the classroom.  And I honestly don’t know if I’m going to be able to cut it.  I expect the politics in boardrooms and office buildings.  I didn’t expect them in the classroom and schoolyard.

I’m not good at politics.  Especially when I think that there aren’t any politics or I don’t think that there are politics.  I am worried that the tables are going to turn on me this year.  And I don’t know who I’m going to talk to about it.  I’m worried that I won’t be able to cut it.  That I won’t love it.  That things are going to be horrible.

I was telling my mother (and I’m sure that is a whole other can of worms to open) that I wasn’t expecting anyone to hold my hand.  But, the principal didn’t even come down to make sure that I was settling into the room that I am going to be in for the beginning of the year.  Which, I’m not.  The room is a mess and I can’t fix it yet because apparently the carpets haven’t been shampooed/cleaned/whatever.

The beginning of the year is an extremely important time.  Especially for the younger kids.  Especially for the kids that have never been to school before.  Especially for the kids that I am going to be working with.

And it’s even more stressful because it’s not my room.  They aren’t really my kids.  They are on loan and I need to make sure that they are ready for the teacher who is going to be coming in to do her job.  I need to make sure that I am reliable so that I can get sub jobs like crazy when I’m done in her classroom.  I need to make sure that I will be okay at the end of the year.  I need to make sure I am able to do everything that I can to make it the best beginning of the school year.

Can I do that without the principal’s support?  I guess I’d better hope that I can.  Can I do it without help from any other teachers?  I guess I’d better hope that I can.  At least for the time being.  Can I talk to anyone about it?  Not yet.  Not now.  No one cares now.  Am I supposed to be overwhelmed?  Maybe not.  But I am.   Am I supposed to have as many doubts as I have?  I hope not.  But I do.  Will it get better?  I hope so.  But I don’t know for sure.

Doubts cloud my judgment right now.  I go into the classroom and feel overwhelmed.  I don’t have a real schedule so I don’t know that I can actually plan anything.  I don’t know which kids (or how many) are in my classroom.  I guess I’m not going to worry about it.  I guess it will all come in time.  I hope that it will all work out and everything will fit together eventually.

Until I can feel better, I am staying out of the classroom as much as possible.  Until I can feel better, I’m not going to have contact with the other teachers.  Until I can feel better, I’m going to just chug along and fake it.  Until I can feel better, I’m going to pretend that everything is okay.

And hopefully it will be.

Have you ever had doubts?  Did you ever prepare for something and then find out that you hated it?  Did you ever want something badly and then not get it?

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