I feel as if the 2010-2011 school year is going to make it or break it for me. At the end of this school year (or even at the end of my 4 week long term sub position), I am going to have a much better idea of whether or not I want to continue. Whether or not I can take continuing in this career.
So many things have made me lose hope in wanting to be a teacher. Do I still want to teach? Yes. Do I still hope that I can get a great teaching job and do what makes me happy? Yes. Am I still confident that this will actually ever happen? No. Courtesy of an article I read this morning (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38750043/ns/business-the_new_york_times), my hope has once again started to drop. Rather drastically.
I don’t think that is is helping that I feel like I am being thrust into an almost impossible situation within the classroom that I am being put in. It is going to be my classroom for the first 4 weeks of school – which is not a long time at all. And then, it becomes the regular teacher’s classroom again. I am going to be forced to give up something that I love just so that the regular teacher can continue doing what she loves. Meanwhile, I am having to decipher some scattered notes and figure out how the classroom should be set up, since the teacher had her baby early.
It is frustrating. I feel like I’m not getting a lot of support. And I’m not sure who to ask for help. Although, the teacher across the hall has already been extremely helpful and I am sure I will be eternally grateful to her as I really get things underway.
It’s just hard and frustrating to not know where I should go with this career. To not be sure that I am going to be able to make it in this career. To not really have a back up plan.
So, I guess I start figuring out a back up plan. I guess I try and see what I should be doing…I don’t think I can just wait and see much longer. And I try and live my life while I’m waiting. I try not to let the fear cripple me. I try to earn money in other ways so that I can do things that require money. I try not to lose hope.
Dear 2010-2011 School Year: Please don’t suck. Please restore my hope and make things more clear for me. I know I am putting a lot of pressure o you, but I can’t sit in neutral and not go anywhere without being pushed any longer.
Have you ever lost your hope for something that you want really bad before?