I guess if there is one good thing about watching The Bachelorette, it’s that it gets me thinking about relationships.  I can honestly say that I have never had one “real” romantic relationship.  I had a couple when I was younger, and I’ve definitely had my fair share of crushes and such, but when it comes to relationships I am most definitely waaaaayyyy behind (if there even is such a thing).  But, like I said watching The Bachelorette, I get to thinking about relationships.  About why I haven’t had any real relationships.  About how I really would like a relationship.  About what might be holding me back from the relationships I want to have.

I am still very much on a journey of self-discovery.  I think that I would like to figure out who I am before I bring someone else into the mix that would stir things up and turn things topsy-turvy…and hopefully I mean all of this in an excellent way.  I still have so many things that I want to do and things that I want to see and I think I’m worried that if I find someone and settle down I might not do those things or see those places.  Especially if that person doesn’t share a passion to do those things.  I please people too much to want to make someone do something that they don’t want to do.  And because I’m so easy going, I can have fun doing pretty much anything.

I think the other part is that I’m scared.  I’m scared for a lot of reasons.  I’m scared because I know how broken hearted I’ve been when I have had falling outs with friends – and I have to imagine that a romantic falling out would be that much more intense and confusing.  I’m scared because my parents didn’t make it – even though I know so many other people’s parents who have, or parents who have found love on their second try.  I’m scared that I won’t be good enough for whomever I want to be mine.

The other part, and this is a pretty small part, is that I don’t have the money to do things that people do to find love.  I don’t have the money to go on dates because I want to be able to offer to pay for a date every now and then or to at least pay for half of the date – even though I secretly, or not so secretly now I guess, think that the guy should pay…even when the girl offers.  I don’t have the money to go out to the bar and get a couple of drinks and chat with friends.  These are ways that you meet new people and ways that you can make new connections.  I want to start making new connections and having relationships.  I want my friends to not hook me up with random people just because they don’t want me to be single, but to find me people that I would really enjoy.  People who will pursue me…even if I am slow at first and a little bit hard to catch.  People who won’t be afraid to ask me out and be a little more forward with me.

I also know that I need to get my heart broken a few times.  I was talking to a friend of mine a few weeks ago, and I told her that I really needed to get going because I knew that I hadn’t had my fair share of heart break – even if I feel like I’ve had my fair share of heartache.  I told her that I really needed to find a few guys who I could have meaningful relationships with and get my heart broken in the best way possible.  I told her that I wanted to start that phase in my life…I’m not sure whether I meant it, but I keep thinking it so it must be at least a little bit true.

Have you ever felt ready, but unsure of something in your life?


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